2005-05-02
Strength is one thing I do have plenty of, in fact it�s one thing most people say about me, �you�re so strong�, I hear that often. So strong in fact I find it hard to receive. Well the other day after arguing with the boys I started crying, crying for what? For why? I�ll tell you I�m sick of doing it on my own. I know I�m not the only one doing it on my own, but hey at this point in time I don�t care that other people are. I�m only talking about me here. I know other people have tough lives, much tougher than mine but I am only talking about mine.I have a job it�s ok. I do not like it at the moment there is far too much politics going on there. Politics I can stand but dirty politics of bullying I can�t stand. I�ve witnessed it, I�ve spoken my mind to my line manager but its fallen on deaf ears. The bullying is not happening with me but a colleague. He finishes work this Friday, yes they won, and they got what they want. This mean that I have to deal with a guy we have now named the �spell checker�, seems that�s all he�s capable of. He�s the type of guy that bluffs his way through everything. We�ll I�m not going to be the one to help him; he�s on his own. I have the knowledge to this project he is suppose to be the project lead and he�s going to have to lead cause I�m not doing anymore. He�s being paid for that not me.
I love my boys but they do not offer to me the kind of love that I desire. I want to be able to share my day with another adult and have some support with what I am doing. I would love to be able to lean on someone every now and again. Is that too much to ask? I�ve sworn to myself that I will not settle for second best. This leads me to a long list of men that I have walked away from because I don�t see them as being what I want. I�m missing intimacy and sharing.
I feel I could go on complaining here forever, but for what and for why? I had hoped that I might be able to clarify a few thoughts but I can�t get past the fact that I�m annoyed with me and with the world, what is that about. I am in a rut I guess. Thing is I�m just sick of being on my own.
I�m sick of my toe and not being able to go for my morning walk. I should be doing some sort of exercise but I haven�t. I am just SICK OF IT at the moment.
I have someone that has offered a mutual kind of fuck buddy thing. I can�t even see myself doing that. I don�t see the point if he�s not what I want. I can see perhaps I need a good going over but I�m not prepared today to do that. It might change but with the way I�m feeling I don�t see that it will.
This is going nowhere so I�m just going to stop.
all text is the � of Ms Do