2005-05-08
For my mother and the 44 years that I have known herDear Mum
This year you turn 80, I still don�t know how you did it. Ten kids, I can�t imagine, we are all so different and you must have felt like you were pulled in so many directions. You always gave support, you always listened, you always understood, you were a constant the hub of the family. Some things have changed now that you can�t fully remember but its all inside, it�s still there buried deep, packaged in you.
Do you remember the time I told you I was going away with that boyfriend you hated for the weekend. You told me he was no good, I didn�t listen, I thought I knew everything. I was 18. I came out to the kitchen and you asked, �what are you doing today?� I thought about not telling you but then I said, �I�m going away with R for the weekend camping into the mountains�, you knew he had a panel van and you knew what we would be getting up to. You told me you were going to do the grocery shopping and that you would see me when you got home and that I was not going. I told you in no uncertain terms that �I would not be here when you arrived home, I would be gone.� You insisted I stay, I insisted I was going. I�m not sure what went through your head when you arrived home and I was not there. I�m sure you were pissed off, disappointed and thoroughly annoyed. I know you were because when I arrived home that night and you had won a car in a raffle you didn�t tell me. In fact you didn�t even acknowledge me you didn�t speak to me that night at all. I knew how annoyed you were. I was just asserting that strong will I inherited from you.
Just so you know, you were right he was a bastard; he was the first man to truly break my heart. I cannot explain that hurt, it was deep and I heard your words, �he�s not a good person Do and it will only end in hurt for you!�
Do you remember that present you gave me when I was 18? It was a suitcase, you took me down to Kwong Sings and let me choose one. I knew that you had to let me go, it was a symbol of my journey as a young adult. I still have it, I still use it, its very ugly, battered and a horrible poo brown. Why didn�t you make me take that black one! I always tell people that you bought me that suitcase and they always assume the worst, I don�t set them straight, I smile and let them think the worst. They have no idea it took me another year before I packed it with all the things I cherished, mainly clothes and my security singlet (you bought me 2 more)�smile. You took me to the airport and waved me off. I knew that you were following through with what dad you use to say when he was alive. �Everyone has to leave the small town they were born in�, I could hear those words ringing in my ears as I landed in Sydney, not really understanding them, being so overwhelmed by the �big city�, and so excited that nobody knew me. Finally I could do what I wanted without having to ask. Thankyou, for pushing me gently into the wider world.
Just so you know, when I go back to that small town I was born in and speak to the people that never left, I am so grateful you had the wisdom and the foresight to make me take that step.
You were there when Otis and Declan were born. I know you struggled as much as I did when Declan died. I knew you felt helpless; I knew you couldn�t cope with seeing them so small, wavering on the brink of death. I knew you were speechless when I wailed into the phone, as Declan lay dead in his father�s arms. It was unchartered waters for both of us, no one in the family had been there before. You sat beside me when that tiny white coffin lay on the alter, you could see how agitated I was outside the church when everyone else was inside and I could not bring myself to enter. You waited until I was ready and walked behind me.
Just so you know my boys love and respect you as much as I do. I know you know that by the excitement you have on your face when we visit. I know you know by the way you say with such affection and respect that I have done an amazing job and that my boys are so wonderful. I can feel that off all the grandchildren you have you favour mine. I know this cause you have lived a life of a sole parent as I am now. You respect me for that I am so blessed.
After 12 years of being with S and you came over that morning and found me crying and alone as always dealing with the boys (they were 2 and 5, so young!) and you asked, �what�s wrong?� and I told you I was going to leave S. You didn�t object, you listened to what I had to say, you understood, I know you had wanted to do leave Dad; I could see my words resonating inside of you. You said, �Do, I�m here, you do what you must.� I cannot thankyou enough for that support, you listened, you guided, you prayed, you were there every step of the way. You knew I was having a wild time 6 weeks after I left S, you turned a blind eye while I rediscovered my sexual self. You would see my joy and you knew I would be ok. That is what you kept saying to me when I was down. �I believe in you and you will fly once again�.
Just so you know, I did fly and I still am. I gave you that framed picture of you and I in my mortarboard and gown that you show everyone who comes into your room. If you have forgotten why it�s because without you I would not have gone on to achieve. You look proud of me in that picture and that degree is yours as well.
I know how you feel about me. Since you�ve slipped into that fog your filter mechanise for saying what�s in your head is not working. We all hear things that come from your mouth and are floored by what you say. Things you would not normally say slip out and whomever your talking too has to deal with what you really think. So far Mum you have not done that with me. You always say lovely things you speak your heart now and I have only ever witnessed you saying positive, loving, respectful and kind words to me. You have told me how proud you are of me. In times gone by you would not have been able to say that to me, you would have thought it but not been able to say it. So I know now that you see your refection in me. In times gone by I would not have wanted to be anything like you. Now I know who I am and I see myself reflected in you.
From one wonderful mother to another thankyou for passing on to me all that you are. Thankyou for your strength of will, your compassion, your insight, your wisdom, your love and your deep warmth. I am all that I am because of you.
Love
Ms Do
all text is the � of Ms Do