2004-09-03
Here I sit at my puter at work. Being the temp does have it�s little perks and I mean little�. see me with my eyes squinted and my thumb and forefinger almost touching�. yes well that much, a crack of tiny light. The beginning of the week the entire IT department had a Personal Development day to sort out �Conflict Resolution�, god knows they need it. Well today is Office Services they are having a PD day. So that means I�m left to my own devices. I�ve been working hard and that�s good, just that I don�t have the other woman I work with in my head. I am very intuitive and that�s good but it gets to the point where I can almost hear what she is thinking�that buzz is not here today.D has gone away and he is slowly starting to exit my thought processes, which is good too. I hate the fact that he swims in my head. I feel like I�ve had everyone swimming there all guests included that have entered my home in the last 3 weeks. My children are at their Dad�s for tonight, but come back early tomorrow morning�that�s ok. Thing is I feel like my head is beginning to empty of other people and hit base with me� I can�t tell you how lovely that is.
You see I like me and I have grown accustomed to spoiling myself in whatever little luxuries I need to keep me balanced and fuelled. So tonight when I get home, I�m going to fling off the heals I am wearing today and take of this bloody suit I find myself in at work, shed all clothing, turn up the heat at home, put on my granny purple dressing down and just lounge. I�m gonna light candles and run a hot bath, put on some kd Lange, move into some Irma Thomas and cook myself a really hot chilli meal made from vegies cover it with lemon juice and yoghurt and I might even have a Corona or 2 with lime not lemon! Then when I�ve done all of that, I�m going to get the Bob play with him and then read. I am very self-contained and really I cope very well on my own. Which brings me to my next point�D aka �the Pimp�, aka �Poppy�. Yep Him!!
Like him as I do I�m wondering if I am going into a place I�m not sure about a place I perhaps I don�t want to go. Do I have to analyse this? Do I have to work out what I want? Can I just let it be? Think not!! I know I have to refocus and I guess that�s what I�m doing. I�ve never thought I was ambitious but I must say I think I rather am. Is this a surprise? Well it is to me. I think the Pimp might be a distraction to where I really want to go. Don�t get me wrong it has been fun, excellent fun, the best fun, and I do want more, but I need balance. I feel like I am sitting on a seesaw with someone a lot lighter than me. I feel like my world has been tipped upside down. I haven�t had to think about anyone else but kids and me and that�s been easy. I have become a mistress at juggling I use to throw several balls at once, the boys, study, part time work, the home, friends and family. I guess it�s changed now and the juggling act is different and I haven�t found the balance of everything. Is it ever gonna balance? Am I meant to be on my own? He is the right person? Do I have to worry about this? Bloody hell the fact I am even verbalising this must not be good.
I do believe we have the connection that could last a while and I think we are drawn to one another. He has a very addictive personality and really I know that side of me is very strong as well. I don't want to enter anything that is addictive and ultimately unmotivating. I've lost my balance. I want it back. He is very unbalanced and I think really that's what he likes about me is my balance, but its gone.
What does he like about me really? He loves my very sexual side, I think he likes how I think, I think he likes my sense of humour, I kinda think he likes me, he must or he would not be still around. I'm confused I need him to confirm how he is feeling but somehow I think he's thinking like me, as in, is that what he wants? I think he could give in easily to me but I on the other hand think he could run. I don't want him to give in I want him to enter on a equal footing. I do not want to go to his level; he has to come to mine. Is this making sense am I babbling. I might be. I am very TIRED.
Should I just relax and shut up and see what happens? Well yes I expect some feedback�Help �the Wench� please.
all text is the � of Ms Do