2004-09-11
I need to let this out and its disjointed and erratic so read on if you want.
Its Saturday morning and the boys are with their Dad. I feel extremely low today. I had a phone conversation with the boy�s dad yesterday at work. Yes at work he rang for something very mundane about his Medicare card. It had expired and really I have no idea why he had to call me. He seemed kind of distressed and asked who I had on my card. Well I am the mother of 2 boys that live with me so of course I have their names on the card. He questioned me about it. What are the names on your card? I told him mine of course my name not his and the 2 boys and yes they have his last name. Then he tells me the boys are obese and what have I been feeding them? It can�t be him cause he makes sure they only eat what he gives them and that its not in his family and perhaps its genetic from mine. Am I feeding them junk food every night?
You know I know the boys are over weight but it doesn�t help that his family call them fat and chastise them about what they eat. It doesn�t help. So I thought about for a bit felt the weight of his words and decided that yes we all needed to do something about it. I googled a few sights to see what kind of sport they could get into or which pool we should attack etc. Then I decided that we all needed to go to weight watchers just for a few sessions so that they could see for themselves what they needed to eat etc. And really a bit of support for all of us. It has worked for me in the past but I must say it�s never worked when I have done it on my own. I find the support and structure really helpful.
So I rang their Dad back and I was in no way prepared for the onslaught of what was to come. Ok you all know he has Asperger�s, which renders him incapable of being polite or at least some empathy to what I had to say. I obviously made a big mistake by saying that I could not afford to get them to WW without his financial help. It would cost me $48 a time for all of us to go. He hit the roof and I was not asking him to pay all. He just went off. He told me he hated the fact that I was so dependant on him and that he paid maintenance�(which I in no way I deny and I have always said how great he is with that). He implied so many things about my mothering skills and when I pointed this out he said to me, �Oh that is such a text book reply, you only ever think how its going to effect you and not the boys�, Well hell yes anything connected with the boys effects me as I have them full time. I work full time and you would think that doing that would in some way make you more financial. It has but only slightly more than working 3 days a week. I�ve lost any pension I had.but anyway for me its not about the freaking money. I do want to work full time and at the moment I�m making my way to a direction I want to go in. I guess I�m on the road to where I want to go and I can see a light at the end of the tunnel after all those years of study. You don�t get that dream job straight off there is a certain amount of other stuff you have to do to get to where you want to go.
What really pissed me off about my encounter with him is that he just yelled at me and told me that I need counselling and that I was the one with the problem and that I was still dependant on him. It always comes down to the dollar for him. He has no idea of the work and juggling I do for him and the lack of involvement he has in the every day things connected with the boys. I just this week had 3 yes 3 days off with the boys cause they were sick (and as I�m a temp that means I don�t get paid so that in effect is more than half my wage for the week). I know there is no point even asking their dad if can he take a day off. His children do not rate against his job. His job is far more important. Does that sound like dependence? I never ask for any help from him concerning the boy�s cause I am only ever met with ranting and raving. The boys have 2 weeks holidays coming up, yep I work full time and their dad does not factor into this equation. I know there is no help or relief in the way support with the boys. He pays maintenance that is what he considers support. Pay the money shut the fuck up and do your job. It is his pay off and his way of saying I support you and the boys. Yes that maintenance is vital to keeping a roof over their head, food on the table and clothes on their back. There is no denying it, it helps. And I�m sorry to all you women out there that have not received this from your children�s fathers. I married a man that I knew was reliable that was my choice. I have kept on good terms with him for the sake of the children that has been my biggest battle in this fucking ugly divorce thing. Ok this is making me mad again and reducing me to tears like I did at work on Friday. I think its called rage.
I am a good mother, I do not need an arsehole of a man telling me I am not and that everything that goes wrong is my fault. What I need is a compassionate person that offers support to guide and nurture his children in a united force that is called �parenting�, even through divorce.
I really can�t express how often I have calmed the rage within my kids as they come back from a weekend of hurled abuse that he dishes out to them if something falls outside of his realm of thinking. I can�t name how many times I�ve had a crying child at the other end of the phone saying �Please Mum come and get me I can�t stand it�, I can�t tell you the times I�ve heard him say about his own sons �He is a little fucking shit head expletive expletive expletive �, in ear shot of his sons. I can�t tell you how often I have explained to them that its part of his Asperger�s Syndrome. I can�t tell you how often I have counselled my children in relation to his fucked behaviour. I can�t tell you how often I have said to my sons �yes but you know how much he loves you�. I can�t tell you how fucking often I have bitten my tongue, I can�t tell you how much work I do behind the scenes so that my sons have a relationship with him.
I could not keeping doing it for myself however. I could not cope with the mental abuse he hurled at me on a daily basis. I could not cope with the days of silence he place against. I could not cope with the constant put downs within our marriage. It took all my courage to get out of that marriage. I had him constantly saying to me �you could not do it on your own�, �your so bad with money�, �your like leach�, � I wish you were a professional�, �I never wanted to get married, I never wanted to have kids and mortgage�. Yes of course I forced him to do everything in his life. He did not have a voice. He made no choices he needed very firmly to be able to lay blame on me. I took it for years and years until one day I cracked. I knew I was not happy; I had tired relentlessly to make my marriage work. He did not want that to happen. He did not have the courage to end it. He did not see anything of good within me at all.
Well I am doing on my own and did all through our marriage. I will not have him telling me that I am hopeless still. He is only connected to me via my children. A big fucking connection and one I have tried to nurture for the sake of my children. But I will not have him try and beat me down again. I�ve done my share of counselling, years before he even thought it appropriate that he should. I�ve been back to study and now I�m on the other side. I feel shaky with where I�m at. Do I want that career that gives me less hours with my boys, which puts stress into a household that at times only just hangs together? I�m in a job that actually offers support to people that are doing it on their own. I�m trying to get to where I want, I can almost feel it. And I�ll be fucked if that arsehole is going undermine me again.
I don�t know why he�s got this fucking bee in his bonnet. Is it because I am actually doing it by myself? Can he see that I don�t need him; can he see that his children prefer me? Can he see how strong I am? Can he see me growing into all that I can be? Can he see that I�m having a life as well as doing it? Yes he can see all, and he hates it.
Now this is a confession that I don�t know if I should be proud of or not. But my ambition, my drive, my resilience, my motivation is anger driven. I still to this day feel like I have to prove to him that I can do it on my own even though I have from the first day of our marriage. I don�t know if that�s good but by my emotion that are rampant and causing me to sob uncontrollably as I write this, makes me feel its wrong. He still has control over me!!!!
In the course of this conversation that took place at work I said to him, �why don�t you have the kids and I�ll pay you maintenances see how that goes?� Oh yes he has been thinking about that for a long time and its something he would want to do. Then he says �I don�t think the boys would want to and I can�t force them�, fucking idiot of cause they bloody don�t they can see for them freaking self what an arsehole you are to them and to me. I�ve had no hand in them making that decision. I�ve freaking well supported him behind his ugly back. So you know what I said to him, �well perhaps that�s a question you should ask yourself, why don�t they want to?� That�s when he just let lose on me and told me how bad I was and how I need counselling and how I project everything on to him and that he doesn�t have a problem and that its me.
Now this is just bitchy but that�s how I feel towards him. He has a very weird sexual behaviour, which I even, at times tried to incorporate into our sexual life. Yes he liked dressing up in my stockings. He had apparently done this for years before we got married, but I didn�t find out till, no less than 1 year later. He told me that I didn�t have sex enough with him so that�s why he did it. You know of course that was a challenge and I came across with the goods willingly. But no amount of me being a sex kitten for him could help him stop. I wore stocking always just for his freaking benefit. However I could not cope towards the end of our marriage when I sore him in a pair of stocking that he purchased (ex Large) so that they would cover his entire body. He made slits in the waistband so that he could use them as straps. That meant he had a full body stocking on. He was proud of himself as he pranced around in front of me. That I think was the moment when I thought�fuck me I need out of this. I kept this secret to myself for years. I wasn�t until I divorced that I actually told someone.
So slowly I regained my strength and waited until I was ready to leave. I had counselling throughout the entire ordeal and 2 years after. I even went back at one point while studying cause I could not cope. It always came back to my self-esteem and how low it was. I have slowly built it back up again and it�s intact.
I have been feeling very low cause I�m at a dilemma with where I am at. Do I really want that career that I�ve strived so hard for? Or do I want time for my boys and to have a life? Can I combine both? How much do I have to do to get what I want? How much is enough?
You know I think he can still read me and I think he kicked me while I was down and it hurt. Sometimes depression or distress can manifest in horrible ways. My boys are over weight and I have added to that by I guess teaching them comfort eating. Why are we all comfort eating? Well I have my theory and I have to rectify it. I am not a SUPER WOMAN and nor do I want to be. I just want that bastard out of my life. I DO NOT LIKE HIM AT ALL.
all text is the � of Ms Do