2004-09-30
The ADD ENTRY button keeps flashing at me cause I don�t seem to be able to do it willingly these days. My head has been filled with other stuff.It�s spring holidays here, which means that the boys have 2 weeks holidays and I am, as you know working full time. It�s a hard juggle keeping them occupied and me at work. I have managed very nicely thanks to a few very good friends. I had 2 days off last week and today I�m home with them as well.
So today I thought goodie a sleep in. But no I had son number one chatting to me about his body changing and him not liking it and that was at 5.30am this morning. I tried really hard to listen and be concerned for him, I think I may have mumbled a few words but mainly I just listened. Puberty it�s a rough age and as I have sons I�m kinda feeling very lost with the entire thing. I have no idea what it would be like to realise your Willy is doing things it should be doing.
Otis had a rough start to life, as I�m sure you all know. He was an identical twin born at 25 weeks yep I said 25 and full term is 40 so he was only 640grms when he entered this world not really looking like a baby as such. Well he did but I�m telling you he was damn small. I never held him till a month later when he finally came off a ventilator. His darling brother Declan died only after 4 days.
So getting this boy from weighing like he did to something that resembled a baby was a long road and had many pitfalls. He�s lucky to be here I know that and I�m so glad he is. Can�t imagine walking away from that hospital and not at least taking one baby home with me.
I�m not sure exactly when it happened because 12 years later it all seems so distant. He had very foetal skin when he came out. He always had a million tubes sticking out of him and had tape on just about every part of his body at some stage. But I do remember this particular day that a nurse, poor thing, was taking some tape of his chest that was hold down some sort of cord to a monitor. Twelve years ago I would have been able to tell you the correct terms and I would have known what the alarm ring meant, but I�ve gladly let all that go. Anyway there she was weeping when I came to visit for the day. She had accidentally pulled off his nipples with the tape. Yeah I guess I was upset but in the big scheme of things that was nothing in relation to him breathing and keeping his heart pumping and making sure he had the right saturation of oxygen pumping through his tiny body.
I witnessed hideous things connected with Otis and his fight for life. He was fighter and had the strongest will I�ve ever seen in anyone. Still has it today the darling. He�s got scars all over his body, burns from monitors being attached, and burns where an IV would blowout on his spider like veins. I use to be able to tell what happened with each one but I�ve let go. So now I find myself having to track back through the memory banks to be able to tell him what each scar is connected with.
Otis at probably about 1 month old
He came to me the other day with tears in his eyes saying Mum I just wish I was normal. I hate having no nipples. He does have nipples they just aren�t as prominent as most. So I�ve had to compare them to his brothers and show him what his is missing. Actually he looks like he could have had them bleached. They aren�t a deep brown but they are light brown and very scared. In my eyes they are very normal but for a boy going through puberty it�s not good.
Three nights ago he came into my bed at about 2am saying Mum I don�t know what�s wrong I think I�ve wet the bed but I don�t think I have. I�m wet but not like a wee, what is it? Yep he had his first wet dream�He�s growing up. I got clean pj�s for him and said don�t worry and when we woke in the morning we spoke about wet dreams what little I know about them�.smile.
I know there are a lot more stages for him to go through and each one of them is going to be difficult. With his Asperger�s Syndrome not sure how to approach it. Think I need to go and seek some advise from that support group again.
Twelve years ago I didn�t ever think I would be here. But here I am a woman on her own bringing up 2 boys. God help me. The only thing I wish for them is that they understand women more than the men I seem to meet.
- So this is Me and Otis 12 years ago and I�m still doing the same. Holding his hand!
all text is the � of Ms Do