2004-12-17
Last night before falling asleep, after having a horrible time shopping for some clothes I realised that I need to let go of some stuff. I use to be a between a size 10 - 12 and weighed about 60 � 62 kgs. I can�t convert for you ok. Just means I was not small and not large and I felt really comfortable with my body and when shopping it was not stressful I enjoyed it. Well things have changed I have put on weight and it started in august 2003.
I have been walking but really I�m still eating crap. I can feel my body changing but I�m not getting smaller at all. I use to swim between 5 � 6 ks a week. Something happened and I�m not going to justify or make excuses it just happened. I was left with just hurt, deep hurt.
I feel like with every relationship I�ve had post that point in time I�ve allowed a layer of weight to cover my body because I�ve not felt good about it. I�ve allowed people to hurt me or they have just hurt me. I�m a sensitive being and I�m impulsive.
I want to release these layers that cover me that make me feel depressed, unlovable, not happy with me. I want to now embrace who I am and let go of the layers of hurt I have accumulated with the men I have had in my life.
This is the first release:
August 2003
Matthew,
Well I am just I suppose emailing to show my disappointment in you. Yes I am pregnant and yes I left that message on your phone and I have had no acknowledgement of that not even an "are you sure?� My period is supposedly due this Thursday, but last week, because I had all the indicating signs to make me believe I might have been I did a home test, not one but 2 cause I could not believe I was. I immediately rang Children by Choice to sort out what I had to do and they told me to get a blood test. I did this on Friday last week hoping that perhaps it had been a mistake. But no on Monday I got the slip of paper saying POSITIVE. And as you are the only person I have slept with in over 4 months and there has been no one else well that indicates to me that yes it's yours as well. I am shocked and annoyed that this has happened. I don't want any babies and I have told you this. What I was hoping from you was that because it is half yours you would help with the payment of the procedure. It is a total cost of $160 and you can ring any clinic to find out. I have no wish to make things up. I am booked in for Monday the 11 August for this and would be delighted if you helped. I am thinking though that you are just going to block it from you mind, as this would make it much easier for you. On the chance that you acknowledge your part in this then you can send it to my home addy
Ms Do
My addy
COORPAROO QLD 4151
I would love to just block it out but as I am just 4 weeks pregnant I have to wait until I am 6 weeks. So I have a constant reminder. I had thought that I would not even tell you but why should I shoulder the responsibility for you. Just reinforces what women do for men and I am not taking part in that. It's your pregnancy as well. So please don't revert to the evil twin inside you. Stand up and grow up
Clare
Subject: ok
Date: Tue, 29 Jul 2003 16:35:32 +1000
br>Clare
I'm totally and utterly shocked too. This was something that was never meant to happen and quite rightly we have to stand up and be responsible for our actions. I am very disappointed in myself to the way I have reacted and all day I have been very shell shocked with my reaction.
What you�re going to do is the right thing but I feel sorrow, disappointment and above all feel very foolish. I�m sorry this has happened but I can�t. And won't bring myself to see you...it's a guilt factor that I am terribly ashamed of in me.
I will of course remit to your address any money etc..I am away as from tomorrow for 2 and a bit weeks but will send so don't worry there.
I'm sorry for this to happen - I'm sorry for putting you through this too...it's very unpleasant, and a big wake up to us both.
What else can I say? Except take care please...and please keep this confidential, it does nothing for you and I to bring this up - I'll be in touch prior the date.
Matthew
Prior to this email he told me he was in a relationship and planning to get married. I was just the play thing before he made his final committment. I never heard from Matthew again, he never helped with the cost of my termination. He ignored me, and it cut deep. It made me feel really worthless. I feel like I�ve let that really seep in and I do not want it anymore.
My darling friend Tracey whom I speak to in Portland helped me. I was at the time studying and very poor. I could not believe that a man so generous and so loving towards me could just help me out like that. He has wanted to come to Oz to spend time with me, but I can�t allow that. I would fall deeply in love with him and he would have to leave. He knows me, he understands me, he accepts me, he respects me, he likes me for who I am in all my glory. He is the kind of man I want in my life. I just want one like that living in the same city. Please send him to me Santa!!
ME NOWI know its a terrible pic (dark and small) i took it early before i left for work this morning
all text is the � of Ms Do