2005-02-01
It�s about 9.00pm I�ve just sat down from a mad 30 hours or so.It started yesterday. I arrived home from work to a young sensitive boy that is walking home with my boys as his sister has started high school. He�s very sensitive and the boys in this street have been playing together for years. That hate it each other every second day. That�s the relationship they�ve built. They play hard and they fight like crazy. It comes and goes. But mainly they like each other and enjoy each other�s company.
An extra child in the mix is hard; they have to find their way. This young boy is use to having his sister mother him really. He�s finding it tough and he�s sensing stuff at home. His mum is my g/f I wrote about yesterday. So I came inside and chatted with him wiped away his tears.
His Mum arrived I chatted to her for a good long while expressed my fears for her and told her how hard it was on the other side and asked if really she was ready for that. She�s not of course she had no real idea. She just wants some wild sex�. To what extent and how far she wants to go she has no idea. She believes she will do this once then go back to her marriage�. I can�t force her not too, I can�t stop her, and I�ve given her my advice. It stresses me that she�s willing to give it all up for this man that really means nothing to her.
They left, I was wanting to just have dinner and relax. I looked toward Otis he was madly scratching his head. I took a look; he has the tolerance of robot to pain and discomfort. His head was full of lice. That meant the next 2 1/2 hours was all about getting rid of the lice, stripping beds, cleaning sheets, making beds, making dinner, washing up. It was a really hot night and I was already tired.
Finally I got the boys off to bed and Otis had an attack of not being able to sleep. He�s done it once before and it just about killed me. I went to bed at about 10.30 completely exhausted by the heat and the amount of cleaning I�d had to do. Every time I dozed off Otis would wake me complaining he could not go to sleep. We played musical beds between the three of us. At one stage Otis was in Seamus� bed, Seamus was in my bed and I was in Otis� bed, I was getting tired and very cranky. He gets so worked up about it he creates a level of stress that he can�t think straight. It was not until about 11.30 I just couldn�t take being woken one more time. It�s was always at that really nice feeling of drifting and the moment before REM takes hold that he woke me. Oh I�d say no less than about 15 times. Every time I�d think oh thank god, finally, then I would hear him crying or moaning.
I got up, I talked him through it, I closed his doors and told him that he had to do it himself no amount of me telling him was going to help and that he should just cry himself to sleep. He was asleep in less than 10 mins. I on the other hand had missed the train ride to sleep and was wired for the next 2 hours.
We all woke late, I rushed around to get us all out the door by 8am. I was 10 mins late for work. I pulled up in the car park opened the door in a mad rush to get inside to work and the entire contents of bag emptied onto the street. I picked it up closed the door was about to walk away when I realised I�d closed the door on my handbag and I dropped it again onto the street. At this point I felt like crying. I cry easily when I�m tired, I�m a sook, can�t help it that�s just me.
I stumbled up the stairs to the back door at work and the man their said to me �Good afternoon�. I felt like telling him to �fuck off�, I am working at a catholic institution so I had to bite my tongue. I got up stairs and logged on, opened up the helpdesk calls and was meet by about 20 new freaking calls. God almighty can�t those freaking teachers work out anything!!!!!!
Since last Friday I�ve been trying to get my air con in the car fixed. It was the condition of the sale that the air con be fixed. I stopped working 95 days after the sale. I had a 90 day warranty and have also bought a 3 year one. I�d been pushed from pillar to post waiting for them to make a decision on who the hell was going to pay for it. The old warranty or the new warranty. I was told the day before by Craig the guy I�d been dealing with he�d call before the day�s end. He didn�t, I wanted to know today, because the air con man that had made a special trip to my house at 8am Sunday morning to fix it was going to give me a good price on it and would fix by the end of the week. I had to let him know and besides all of that; he�s drop dead gorgeous and I got that instant zing when I met him. He ended up coming in for a coffee and we chatted for ages. He even advised me on how to go about getting the car dealer to pay�.nice guy�..evil grin.
With all that in mind and the evening and morning I�d had, I was ready to argue. I made my call. Craig was not in so I left a very terse message saying I�d had enough and all I was seeking was a Yes your going to pay or No your not. Very simple and that if it required him to lean on the General Manager, than he�d better do it before he called me back. My tone was not to be messed with.
I got the call yes they are going to pay and yes the lovely air con man is coming to my work on Thursday to fix it�..evil wicked grin�
It was a really long, stressful and tyring day at work. I came home to Otis already worried AGAIN about not being able to sleep. I talked him through that. Told him that I would give him a warm milk and how I could close the doors turn on the fan, he�d read for 15 mins and then when he was laying in the room he would in his mind draw a red circle and write 100 inside it, he would then rub out the 100 and write 99, rub that out and write 98 and so on and so on till he fell to sleep.
I helped with homework for an hour for both boys, I rushed to the shops to get some more lice stuff cause I want it gone. I came home I made dinner, I ironed the clothes for tomorrow, I washed up, I used the lice stuff on both boys and combed it with that fine toothcomb. I did my own hair.
Otis is sound asleep, I�m exhausted, Seamus is sleeping soundly too. It�s all over for another day. I know I�m incredibly capable, I know I�m incredibly resilient but fuck sometime I just want to curl up into that foetal position and never move. I constantly have my girlfriends saying you�re so strong and I usually say, �no I�m not really�. Well you know what I AM. I will never again cheat myself by saying �no I�m not�. I AM STRONG I HAVE COME ALONG WAY. I amaze myself at times�. but I also need a break every now and again.
And you know what? I will not be a boat or a port for some man like A (hairy back man) to rest his broken self against. I deserve much more than that. I want someone to wipe away my tears, to comfort me when I need it, to let me be strong, to allow me to all I am. That�s my final decision on him; I will not be going on another date with him.
His story is next�stay tuned for that one!!
all text is the � of Ms Do