2007-06-08
I�m now a barista. At work we have a coffee machine and you�re not allowed to use it unless you�ve had training. I was one of the first people down there for the training. I have not bought a coffee since then. So here I sit with a skinny cappuccino, very nice indeed.I have been down to visit my mother after her second hip operation. She looks very thin and really mentally she�s not there. However there are small loop holes that she gains clarity. I was sitting there with my sisters Zari and Pattie when she had one of those moments of clarity and guess what she said?
�Oh Zar what have I got to live for?� Yes we all did a double take, Pattie immediately started crying, Zari spoke about having had a wonderful live, how she�d down enough and what a great mother she had been. I leaned over and whispered into her ear, �You only have to let go�. But as soon as she spoke those words she was gone again. It was cathartic for us but I�m not sure she was responsive to our words.
She has an enormous will and her heart is very strong indeed. I don�t see her dying anytime soon. It makes you question your maker/creator if you believe in a higher power.
I was angry when Declan (Otis� twin 15 years ago) died and really pissed off with God (I can�t get rid of my catholic heritage). I got over that and moved forward but really I have to question again, what has my mother done to deserve this shitty lead up to her death? It just makes me wonder what I should be getting out of this.
When I go down there to visit, it is hard to just sit and be there, because there is no response and the words that come out of her mouth are just all jumbled and really don�t make sense. You can get an idea of what she might be trying to say because of the tone and inflection she uses when this group of meaningless words babble out of her mouth. So normally I get right down to grooming and touching. I apply moisturiser to her face; cream her hands, arms and legs. I cream my entire body everyday, I think I learnt that from her I�m not sure but I have been doing it since I was about 16, so that would be 30 damn years, and as a result I have the softest skin ever ask any lover I�ve had�.grin. Yes yes it always gets back to me�.laughing. So I�m assuming she likes it. Actually I know she does because when I was putting it on her face this is what she said, �no no no no no NO NO oh oh thankyou, that�s lovely�. She likes to be moisturised you see. I take time to brush and comb her hair as well. I really wish she�d in her life and let go of the energy she use to make sure she had curly hair. All those sleepless night of sleeping in rollers, hairspray and teasing when, she looks wonderful with a short straight bob and her hair tucked behind her ears. I did tell her while I was doing it but again I�m not sure she took it in.
Really Mum doesn�t have quality of life at all. She either sits in her chair or lies in bed, she can�t walk. She doesn�t have meaningful conversations. She seems agitated most of the time. It�s a life I know she wouldn�t like and I wouldn�t like it either. What does she have to live for? Can this be quantified? Should you go down this path? I have no idea but I know she needs her family close, so again I�m making the trek in the school holidays with the boys for a week.
This will also coincide with my sister�s shop opening up the shoe store. She is the owner of a traditional old style department store. It used to be a thriving shop when I was a girl in the small town. It�s going back to that tradition. The town has been devoid of clothing shops and they have all sold out or closed up. But because of rising petrol prices people are coming to her shop in droves, from the town and around the district. It really reminds me of Gowings a no frills department store in Sydney that use to stock all the traditional brands of clothes at slightly lower prices. I will be working for her and so will the boys. It will be great experience for both of them and whatever they earn they will take away in clothing. The menswear section is fantastic they have all those brand names that the boys love, Quicksilver, Billabong, Levi, ( I can�t remember the other�s�its menswear for god sake!) and now they have the shoes DC�s and I�m not sure if that�s the brand or what but Seamus is very impressed. So that is good enough for me as he is the style master at our house.
I will be juggling, working, the boys and making sure that I visit Mum regularly. I�m looking forward to it and so are they. Otis wants to work but realises it might just be another stress in his life, so this will give him a bit of look. Seamus can�t wait until he�s old enough to work (nor can I), so this will give him great experience.
I�m not sure if Phil will be coming it would be lovely but he might be bored because I will be busy not that I have to entertain him but a small country town doesn�t offer much except rest and relaxation. Either way it doesn�t matter I�m just looking forward to having a week off.
all text is the � of Ms Do